Saturday, October 10, 2009

This Tunnel is Too Long, Shouldn't There Be A Light?

I'm grumpy. And irritable. I'd say I was snarky, but I'm sure I left that behind about three days ago.
We may be into just plain bitchy now.

I've just been feeling...blah.

I'm not even sure why.
I’m not sad or angry. But I’m not especially happy either. I’m just kind of there.

I have decorated for the halloween. That usually gets me up and psyched. I force myself to do basic housework. I do my errands. I visit The Queen.

But still. Blah.

I’m not nonfunctional. I am ,however, minimally functional.

I could make Mr. G the scapegoat. And even though being told you have no spirituality and are going to burn in Hell seems like it would be the cause. The truth is that that opinion and he are just background annoyances.

I could say it’s the weather. Again. It’s just a background annoyance. Not a real reason.

It's me.

When I'm not at dialysis or the grocery store. I'm hanging out in my jammies. Vegging in front of the TV. Half the time I don't remember what it was I just saw.

I'm zoning.

There are no thoughts going on.
Well, that's not quite right. There are dozens and dozens of thoughts going on. But they are light and wispy. Like many little butterflies. They alight and then fly away.

I should do my nails. They really need it. I hope the nurses at Memorial are good at leg grafts. I hope everything goes well tomorrow. I should do laundry.

Flutter. Flutter. Away.

I should talk to Dr. Neph or Dr. Prime about this sleep issue. Maybe I'll cook fish for dinner.  I should vacuum. Are my library books due?

Flutter. Flutter. Away.

They don't have the substance that, say, a moth does. Moths have a solid clear thought. See the light and head right for it.

I’m not even seeing the light.

I know it’s there. A tiny speck hiding for the moment. I know it’ll show itself when I’m ready to see it.

Until then…

Flutter. Flutter. Away.

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